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Old 03-09-2010, 06:40 PM
PoisonPen PoisonPen is offline
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More kids stuff! Love kids, I guess and always though it might be easier to break into the business with a kids' movie. This one is about a Brownie troop that finds a baby and decides to keep it. Hope you guys like it!
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  #2  
Old 03-11-2010, 08:44 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Nice, PoisonPen, thanks for submitting another one-

I should warn you that the whole "doing kid's movies because it's easier to break in" idea is not really sound. There's lots of reasons (among them the fact that many people have that same idea) but also the fact that you still need the same amount of skill and ability, it's just being used in a different way. The only area it will be easier to break into going the "kids" route (in my experience) is television. You can get a job writing for any of the dozens of children's shows/cartoons out there easier than writing for a popular sitcom, for example.

Just something to keep in mind. I'll read your treatment and get back to you soon-
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:27 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Okay, here's what I think-

First off, pretty much all of my criticism from your last treatment (Turbo Boost) applies here. It's not bad, just a bit anemic. Too short. You did a good job defining each girl in the troop, but their traits never correspond to problems that they need to deal with throughout the course of the movie. (For example Mike has the bullies hassling her, but we never see them again. Have her get back at them somehow.) They're one-dimensional, in other words.

Which could be fine. Not every character in every movie needs to have a story arc. But the main ones should. And in this case you've essentially got five main characters- including Miss Mary- but only one has a problem that gets dealt with. Sort of.

Which leads me to my biggest issue with this one. For the first few pages it's a nice, Disney-esque tale of a sisterhood of girls and their loving leader. Then it basically becomes a kidnap story where Miss Mary keeps a baby that isn't hers and the girls are all accomplices to that fact. There's VERY little justification, in the story and in the audience's mind, as to why Miss Mary and the girls are justified in keeping the baby. This is a big problem. It can be overcome, though, and needs to be since your whole story hinges on it.

Give us, the audience, a very good reason why Mary should keep this baby to herself. I'm sure you can think of something. Also, perhaps give her a man earlier in the story and have him be the catalyst for Mary wanting to turn herself in ("I can't live a lie", etc.) The trial itself seems to come and go very quickly, which would be okay except for the fact that the whole "caring for the baby" sequence comes and goes too quickly. That's where you can have each of the girls deal with a certain problem they have, perhaps involving the baby (or not) in its solution.

And Mary doesn't get to keep the baby? Say it isn't so? In a film like this I think the conventional happy ending is called for. Maybe the couple that claims they are the baby's parents are fame-seeking frauds?

A pleasant, charming, and family-friendly little tale overall. As before it just needs some more overall content, plus some tweaks to make the story work.

Keep at it, and good luck-
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Last edited by WriteNow; 03-17-2010 at 09:05 PM.
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  #4  
Old 03-20-2010, 12:29 PM
PoisonPen PoisonPen is offline
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Thanks so much for reading and critiquing me WriteNow. I really appreciate it!

I think you might be right. My friend also said the same thing about them keeping the baby, and that it doesn't seem realistic and stuff. But I fgured that its a movie and maybe it would be okay. I'll try to come up with a better reason for them, though. And I can give each girl problems (no problem!). They are all pretty stereotypical, you know, so maybe I can use that. Like Mike the tomboy actually wants to be a ballerina and the pretty girl wants to play football- something to really throw the audience off!

I didn't have Miss Mary get to keep the baby because I didn't think it would be realistic- but I guess I wasn't being realistic much at all anyway so it probably would be okay. But I figured that with her getting together with the lawyer they were going to make their own baby so it was a good happy ending for them. But I like the idea that the couple who claimed the baby was theirs were just looking for fame. With the bubble boy and all that stuff it would be a pretty current type of thing to happen. So maybe I will change that!

Thanks again WriteNow and if anyone else has anything to add please do. Don't worry about hurting my feelings or whatever, I like to hear as many opinions as I can. Even if your think my treatment is just bad, it's okay, I don't expect everyone to like it!
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