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Old 02-24-2010, 11:01 PM
PoisonPen PoisonPen is offline
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Here's a kid's movie I came up with. I don't know too many chubby child actors so I'm not sure who might be a good lead. I was thinking Steve Martin for the "mad scientist" though? What do you guys think??


Robert Rodriguez where are you?!!?! I know you would love this film, its very much in the Spy Kids/Shorts/Sharkboy vein. I love high energy kids films like that, and this would definitely be high energy.

Lots of special effects to keep the kids entertained, plus a good message or two (exercise/eat right and everything in moderation). Definitely PG.

Hope you guys like it! Let me know what you like or don't like!
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Last edited by PoisonPen; 02-25-2010 at 03:25 AM.
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Old 02-26-2010, 12:16 AM
Rex Rex is offline
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This isn't really up my alley but I like it for what it is, PoisonPen. It seems really familiar but I don't know what exactly it reminds me of. The giant "chubby" kid at the end wading through the ocean would probably look hilarious on screen. I don't really have much criticsm for you since I'm not really into kids movie but I could see this being a real movie, easily. It almost feels like deja vu when I read it, though, not sure why.
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Old 02-26-2010, 04:42 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Poison Pen, have you thought of doing this as a CG film, Pixar-style? Or even a conventional cartoon film? Just curious-
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:15 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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OK, all done with some thoughts. I mentioned above I think this would work well as a CG film a la Pixar. That's not a bad thing, really. It's just that your chracterizations are quite broad and the situations fairly surreal I thought animation would suit it best. Or- and don't get upset- something along the lines of a Disney movie of the week. That also isn't meant to be a bad thing, I'm just not sure your treatment has emough meat on it to make some studio want to risk $50-100 million. I actually saw Shorts (Robert Rodriguez's last kids flick) and this treatment would be about eqaul to one of those shorts, content wise. I just think you need MORE . . . something.

But let's do some positives. Format is good. Should be a bit longer but we'll get to that. Writing style is solid. It almost feels like you are narrating the story as a little kid, which draws the reader in. Lots of exclamation points, nice, kids do get overexcited easily.

You've given your main character clear issues at the outset that we know he has to deal with (but they should seem insurmountable- how can Luke POSSIBLY blow up the Death Star???) which is filmmaking 101- the protagonist must grow and change (usaully for the better). You've also given him a clear nemesis- Ralph the bully. Also a key ingedient everyone should note (and every screenwriting book will tell you)- If you don't have a strong protagonist and a strong anatagonist then you don't have a movie. Start over.

But you do, PoisonPen, so never mind. You've also given us a solid climax (anyone ever seen a giant fat kid wade into the pacific?) and addressed the main characters issues (i.e. candy bars become celery sticks) and he even (probably) gets the girl.

So, it's not bad. But it's not great. It's a short, or a MOW (movie of the week). Make it better. Make it a $200 million Pixar feature. Here's how-

Give EVERYONE some problems that need resolving. Give Ralph the bully a backstory (bullying parents/older brother), give the "mad scientist" a back story (I'm thinking "lost love"), and maybe let us meet Arnold's parents or siblings (if he has any) or perhaps teachers or friends (if he has any). Use their problems as a springboard to flesh out Arnold's character and make the audience feel a much greater sense of closure at the end of the film when 4-5 characters get their lives straightened out- not just one.

Now, I know what you're saying- this is a kid's film, not Crash or Magnolia. Not everyone needs to have huge problems that need solving. And you'd be right. This is a film for kids, not adults. So make the problems kid-sized. Instead of Arnold's parents agonizing over the difficulty they are having conceiving another child, make them argue about how Arnold's dad leaves his dirty socks lying around and Arnold's mom's cat gets fur all over his dad's jacket. See? Kid sized! (And the solution, by the way, is to give the socks to cat to pay with, keeping him away from the jacket and the socks out of sight. Kids movie solution, of course- not a real-life solution.)

So, flesh out your side characters a little more, and bam you add another two pages and make your treatment read like a feature. You've done the hard part, now have fun, be creative and throw whatever you want at your supporting cast. Arnold's teacher can't land a man, the "mad scientist" is a very lonely bachelor- you get the idea.

Oh, almost forgot. The title. Not bad. But a little generic. Really not bad at all, though. Just sounds too familiar. Speed Demon, maybe? Dr. Speed? I don't know, titles are tricky. I usually say keep them simple yet impactful, which you've done. Actually, though, I'm imagining it in bright colors and kid-style graphics in a darkened theater (no doubt jumping out at me in 3D) and it looks great. Turbo Boost!
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Last edited by WriteNow; 03-02-2010 at 02:19 AM.
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Old 03-02-2010, 10:59 PM
PoisonPen PoisonPen is offline
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Thanks for the ideas WriteNow. I do see how the treatment is a bit shorter compared to some otheres I have seen. I didn't write it to be an ainmated movie, but that could work. Are there specuial treatments or scripts just for animation?

I can give everyone problems, like you said. I see how maybe the focus is too narrow and it feels like a TV show. Glad you liked my big, fat climax tho-

I'll make some changes and add some stuff and re upload it then we'll see how I did. Thanks alot for the feedback, I really appreciate it!
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