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  #1  
Old 02-24-2010, 02:48 PM
caribeview caribeview is offline
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Default bed and breakfast caribeview@yahoo.com

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  #2  
Old 02-24-2010, 03:38 PM
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Interesting layout/style you have there caribeview. I'll review it in more detail later, and I'm sure WriteNow (and others) will have some comments too.

Keep the submissions coming!
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Old 02-24-2010, 07:34 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Yes I will.

Thanks for the submission and cheers for your orginal style. I've only glanced at it (I'm busy with a few things) but will give you a full on critique shortly.
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Old 02-25-2010, 01:20 AM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Okay, so I've gone over you treatment a few times and here's what I think-

It's not really a treatment. On other words, it woud be very difficult to make a film or write a screenplay from what you have here. It was more enjoyable to read than most treatments, though, because it wasn't stuffy and rigid. It read more like a short story, though, which is problematic, for example-

you wrote:

"Is that why they were all brought to the bed and breakfast? Was this planned. If so, why?"

It's not a good idea generally to ask questions of your audience when you have no answer (your treatment audience, that is- not your movie audience, if that makes sense). You are supposed to tell them them what happens, not have them fill in the blanks.

Your IDEA is certainly interesting. And your presentation of the idea is attention-grabbing. It's just not treatment format. Which, I realize, is rather loose. But go look at Zorro, or E.T. 2 here on the site. No pictures, no frills. Just words on paper. That's all you need. The images will be in your reader's head from your wonderfully descriptive prose.

The idea is cool, though. But it's problematic. Most of those actors are getting too old for those parts. And also, writing a script or treatment that relies on certain actors in key roles is only going to limit your chances of selling it. Are you thinking maybe other actors could play the iconic roles? The pictures on the front page would lead me to believe you'd want the original stars.

Check out the guide to writing a treatment here, and some sample treatments and rewrite your idea to fit into the established format. (Who knows, though- you're decorated style could be what makes it leap off the page to the eyes of some exec and get greenlighted. But I would play it safe, personally.) You are obviously creative and put a lot of effort into the presentation of your story- but try and get all that across with just words. Boring, plain old words. Proofread a bit more carefully as well. And shoot for at least ten pages. Minus the pictures and big scene headers yours would probably only fit three. Most treatment writing guides will say 6-8 pages but for me ten is good number because it clearly lays out your story but not to the point where you are writing dialogue exchanges or opening credit sequences becuase you have so much room. Yes, I'm "breaking" a "rule", bur it's your call. I like ten for a two hour movie, which is what I usually write. 6-8 is fine for 90 minutes. And its not a hard and fast rule. My friend sold a ONE PAGE treatment for a fairly large sum. (He worked it out to $85 a word.) Also, scenes aren't usually listed on a treatment, except maybe key scenes. For one thing, most movies have 30-60 scenes. Yours only has ten, so it would be hard to flesh out into a screenplay.

Thanks again for the submission, I had a lot of fun reading it. It certainly would make a unique film! The actor's salaries alone would cost more than Avatar!

Keep the submissions coming, though. And I hope I've been of some help. Let me know if you have any questions. And no, I don't know everything (or think I do), but I am speaking from experience and am also looking out for people who are in the same position I was years ago. I know how tough it can be-
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Last edited by WriteNow; 02-27-2010 at 06:39 PM.
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Old 02-25-2010, 11:44 AM
caribeview caribeview is offline
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Default thanx write now

i posted bed and breakfast for the writer. i had discussed with him the cost of the cast. he also left, as you point out, a lot untold. we both feel that the screenwriters would flesh out the basic premise with scenes that the treatment only alludes to. the upload only allows you to upload five pages at a time. i´m not very computer savvy either. appreciate your comments. it is nice to have a Hollywood veteran on this site. we both think that it is a cool concept and the possibilities of what could happen in the otherworld are only limited by the imagination of a gifted screenwriter, which we are not. thanx again, caribeview

Last edited by caribeview; 02-25-2010 at 11:47 AM. Reason: mistakes
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Old 02-25-2010, 01:09 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Happy I could help-

Also, please note that you can only upoad five FILES at a time, not pages, which each files can have X amount of. I would suggest switching formats to .doc (MS Word) or .pdf. That way you can upload as many pages as you want.

Keep at it!
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Last edited by WriteNow; 02-27-2010 at 06:40 PM.
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  #7  
Old 02-25-2010, 11:44 PM
PoisonPen PoisonPen is offline
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I liked it! But it would be hard!

Yikes- all those celebrities. I don't know, unless it were a cartoon. But it seems too serious for that. I think it maybe doesn't need to look like a "presentation". It kind of looks like powerpoint slides to me! I wrote my treatment based on ones I saw and kept it pretty plain.

But it's a nice story! And after Benjamin Button we know they have the technology to make old actors look young again (Brad Pitt . . . wow- he looked like he did in Thelma and Louise- wow) so anything is possible.

Do you have more? And please check out my first submission (Turbo Boost) and let me know what you think guys! Thanks!
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Old 03-02-2010, 12:05 AM
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Caribeview:

I mostly agree with WriteNow's comments; what you submitted is really not a treatment. In fact it is much brighter, cheerier and uniquely formatted than the standard fare, and it definitely stands out because of that. But as WriteNow said, Hollywood still prefers the boring plain text format where you have to use your imagination, sadly. But also as WriteNow said, your format could really strike a chord with someone enough for them to, say, schedule a meeting to chat further.

I personally don't feel that this treatment could be realistically made into a film, due in part to the planned cast of actors, as well as a plot that incorporates the plots of several other blockbuster films; due to legalities and copyright issues this is typically not done. There are many other things about this treatment that could be very difficult to overcome to make this actually work as a script or a movie. As WriteNow stated though, the IDEA is very original and out of the box, and that makes a significant statement about the creative abilities of the writer.

Yours was the most interesting treatment I've read. It could definitely get someone's attention. And that someone would likely pass, but at least you'd have their attention; meaning, if you do as WriteNow recommends and have 5 other treatments in your back pocket, you've now got an interested party to pitch them to. And odds are that if one of those five is fairly good, you might have a bright future ahead......

I'm very interested to see what else you post here; I'll definitely put it on my "must read" list.
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