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Old 02-03-2010, 08:35 AM
robohannon robohannon is offline
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Default Wounds


Ever want to get away from it all? Be careful what you wish for…

John Douglas has strange dreams. In a repeating nightmare he sees himself facing a firing squad. Normally you wouldn’t think a dream could hurt you, but John is blessed, or cursed, with an ability to see violence that has happened, or is about to happen. Is his nightmare in the past, or in the future?

Jennie Wade lives through her computer screen. The death of her lover after a fight traps her in a self-imposed prison of guilt and fear. Coaxed out of her isolation by a friend, she is raw wound, on the brink of being swallowed up by the past.

For Pete Simmons, John’s best friend, life really sucks. His marriage and his health are falling apart. Consumed by anger and a death wish, Pete wants nothing more than to escape into the past.

The action starts at a Civil War battle reenactment. John, Jennie and Pete are hurled back in time into the carnage of a real battle. John and Jennie must unite and give up their pasts to get back to the present.

The only way back to the present is a bridge about to be blown up. Will they make it back in time?
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Old 03-01-2010, 08:00 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Tinseltown (Not Hollywood, it's a real town somewhere else)
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Hey Rob, back again. Let's see what you've got here-

First off- much better overall presentation on this one. Looks and reads more like a treatment should. Characterizations are woven into the treatment as they should be. Much better than The Last Camp in this regard.

I liked this- as a story- very much. I guess you like the Civil War (me too), and time travel (sometimes). But I liked the characters, theres some good action set pieces, the writing is sharp and concise. Almost too concise, sometimes.

Ex. "Jennie revives and goes out on the porch. She sees John about to be shot. John sees her running and realizes that this is his dream."

So Jennie "revives" from being shot and left for dead then suddenly runs out of the house towards John? I feel like I'm missing something- or it's just implausible. (Which isn't necessarily bad- see James Bond.) Also- "his dream"? Not the whole film? That wouldn't make sense seeing as what comes next, anyway.

Here's some other things that stood out for me overall-

You have to flesh out the 'supernatural experience' part. You skip the most interesting part of the film! ". . . she has a 'supernatural experience' that night that reveals she is the woman in John's dream." This is a key, KEY scene, so the person reading your treatment needs to know what happens.

Why exactly did they time-travel? And why did they make it back? I know about the characters issues and what the time-travel did/didn't meant to them but still- no time travel device? Nothing? Seems kind of . . . lazy. Unless you wanted it to not veer off into sci-fi cheese territory (which can happen fast).

I would expand on the motorcycle gang scene also. For some reason it really stood out for me and could be a way to really drive home Jennie's issues. Make her stay and watch the beating, make it brutal on the viewer, makes us feel her pain, etc. Trust me- the more we make our characters suffer the more the audience loves them.

Also, I would say you still need a few pages. 2-3 is good. Expand on some key scenes, maybe lay out the locations more clearly, with more detail. What you have is good, just need a little more.
And remember- no matter what ANYONE says, not your next door neighbor or the head of Warner Bros.- keep at it. Eventually, you will succeed-

Last edited by WriteNow; 03-01-2010 at 08:03 PM.
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