"A counter indicating two views of the data had taken place that day." A police station/internet/bank data page view counter? This is referring to the web page itself that he's viewing or maybe its some fancy police program? I don't know, it's just a little detail that screams "You are watching a movie" to me.
Now this is nicely written- the whole bus terminal scene. I like how you momentarily obscure the cops identities so we don't know who's been stabbed or what's going on. It feels like
I'm watching the movie unfold- probably the greatest thing a treatment can accomplish. And it took me a moment to realize that the "two cops" were not "our" two cops. I was lost in the action. Great.
And what's this? The "Big Reveal"? So soon? Hmmmmm. It's definitely an interesting concept (for those that haven't read it the mystery device is basically a telescope into the past and . . . future? It says only future events "unaffected by human consciousness" can be seen but I don't quite follow . . .) Nonetheless by making us able to view the past (a star's death) it has predicted our future (our death, on Dec. 12th, 2012 no less). Oh, and the pole's are also going to reverse, which will kill us all anyway, so that's a double dose of extinction. Lots of exposition about spaceships and a new planet and other stuff that is a little hard to swallow, but this is a movie, after all. Oh, and a massive earthquake is about to hit so everyone should hurry it up a bit . . .
Wow. Suddenly we've gone from murder mystery to disaster movie with just one scene. I am curious, and a bit concerned, to see how this all plays out. Still hooked, now a bit cautiously.
So we do some traveling and then BAM! we get treated to another deftly written action scene- the (attempted) raid on the house. I have to say dkl4335 that you have a knack for writing action. Very clear descriptions, and even better- a sense of physical space, and everyone's relationship in it. Hopefully the director will follow your lead and not give us the quick-cut, shaky handheld style often used today.
(I'm not going to list all your typos- not that they are that bad- but I keep noticing "missing" words, i.e. "Jack secures the pilot to the chair after assuring that he isn't carrying any weapons . . ." I'm assuming "himself" was supposed to follow "assuring" but you just skipped over it accidentally. I've seen it happen enough to mention so I'm letting you know. And for you and everyone- PROOFREAD your treatment. It must be flawless on a basic grammatical level. Do not give anyone an excuse to throw your hard work in the trash.)
Now we have more exposition, doled out in a similar manner to the last exposition-heavy scene, given via slides and video like a class presentation. I like it, it's almost as if you are saying "Here's your exposition, but at least I'm jazzing it up for you". Good thing Benning had the speech all set up and ready to roll, isn't it? (Another "movie moment", but it's not too bad.)
. . . wow . . . LOTS of exposition . . . and . . . we're officially in "Movie-land" now. Biological computers, synthetic DNA, nano-mytes that need a human host . . . whew. Well, I guess if you're going to go down this road it's best to go "all-in" as you have. ("The Matrix" did this as well, to great effect.) One question I have is why would they only have two people set up to be the hosts for the transport computer when it's such a critical aspect of the whole plan?
And what's this? A cheat? Angel recounts Benning's explanation for knowing Jack's daughter was to be the host, sidestepping the 'real' explanation? Actually a good strategy when dealing with far fetched exposition. Still, how was she able to see things that would have been affected by human consciousness? In any event we now have another "propeller" (my term for those things that keep the story moving forward) in the question of why would Simmons want to sabotage the other getaway ship?
Very nice scene when Zack is about to enter the shuttle but has to wait for the download to finish. That could have been nothing special but I can now envision a very tense moment, strange glances from other passengers, steady loss of bars on the phone, etc., a mini action sequence, really. And like all great scenes it has a beginning, middle, and (happy) end. I know this isn't a script writing website, but this applies to treatments as well. Basically, each scene should be a mini-movie. Even if it's only half a page. Thinking this way will actually make the writing process go a lot smoother. Some people worry that using any "process" or framework with make their writing generic or even artificial. But really it frees you from the constraints of the medium by accepting them as the necessary framework that they are so you can work
within that framework effectively, and say what you want to say. (If you want to learn more pick up anything by Syd Field. Everyone else in Hollywood has. I met Syd once and he told me, "It's funny that I got so famous telling everyone else how to write screenplays when the truth is that I was a mediocre screenwriter at best. But the one thing I do know is
how a screenplay should be written. Just don't ask me to write one." I asked him if I could quote him on that and he said, "No". So don't tell anybody
We're told that the DNA imprint process can take "anywhere from four to twenty-four hours" but that Stevie finishes in "less than three hours" so you might want to add that it "[usually takes] anywhere from four to twenty-four hours". Either way the point is made, but I guess it depends on how big of a deal you want to make about Stevie's quick performance.
We are treated to another stellar mini-movie when our heroes quickly escape approaching police cars in a private jet. Sure, it's been done, but it's done well here. Keep 'em coming.
And like clockwork we have another scene of exposition. No slides or video screens this time, but a cruising jet makes a nice scene for a speech about our characters backstory just as well. Although this information feels a little superfluous by now. Reading it, I felt like I know it already. Not to imply that it feels like a cliche (and it is), more that you've done a good job dropping hints so far that we are able to make (correct) assumptions about our characters.
But I do think that the Reece flashback is not needed. It's actually great, in and of itself. A nice little dramatic mini-movie. It's just at this point in the film it's a little (important?) detail that could easily be pared down to a few quick lines by Reece, and even then perhaps a little earlier in the film (while he and Benning are awaiting Langford's return, perhaps?) Also, I'm not a big fan of flashbacks, especially abrupt, once-in-the-film cases like this.
One thing I need to mention on the grammatical side (and I'm sure this is full of typos itself) is that I've noticed several instances where you switch tenses in the same paragraph, even the same sentence. It's just nitpicking to some degree, but again, things like this can only hurt you when it comes time to try and sell your work. It's more than worth it to make a few extra passes to eliminate simple mistakes like this, or- better yet- ask a friend or two to read it for you since after awhile it's easy to become blind to our own typos.
Also, I have to say at this point I would like to know more about our villian. Not necessarily the answer to "why?" just yet, but, something . . . He has kind of gotten the shaft when it comes to characterization. As any screen writing teacher will tell you- you MUST have a strong hero and an equally strong villain.
Now we finally get on board the Nova Domus (my Latin is rusty but I believe it means "new domicile/house") where Burns must track down the Captain. The way it's written it seems Burns explains the whole situation to him, though it's expressed in just one line. Maybe you could find an elegant way to skip it altogether? We could cut right after the security guard directs Burns towards the captain and picks up with him just having finished his big speech/explanation to him?
And I'm uncertain (as of now) about Kara's fate. Given the reactions of the people watching I'm assuming she will die as a result of the whole DNA-sabotage situation, but I'm not really sure. Even if we find out what happens to her later (she dies?) I think you intend for us to know what will happen already, and giving that you mentioned the organ-shutdown and whatnot earlier you probably just need to make it clear that Kara's done for. Her organs "grayed-out" on the monitor but she seemed fine for the time being.
Looks like Simmons has a right-hand man in "Col. Westgrave". I would have liked to meet him earlier in an attempt to foreshadow the inevitable showdown between him and Reece.
Also, I am getting a nice backdrop image in my head of the shuttle and it's surroundings. Maybe a few words about the "massive ship, gleaming white and towering over the landscape" or something like that? It will help out those readers with less-than-vivid imaginations and would be (for me) a welcome flourish.