Thread: Brownie Points
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:27 PM
WriteNow WriteNow is offline
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Okay, here's what I think-

First off, pretty much all of my criticism from your last treatment (Turbo Boost) applies here. It's not bad, just a bit anemic. Too short. You did a good job defining each girl in the troop, but their traits never correspond to problems that they need to deal with throughout the course of the movie. (For example Mike has the bullies hassling her, but we never see them again. Have her get back at them somehow.) They're one-dimensional, in other words.

Which could be fine. Not every character in every movie needs to have a story arc. But the main ones should. And in this case you've essentially got five main characters- including Miss Mary- but only one has a problem that gets dealt with. Sort of.

Which leads me to my biggest issue with this one. For the first few pages it's a nice, Disney-esque tale of a sisterhood of girls and their loving leader. Then it basically becomes a kidnap story where Miss Mary keeps a baby that isn't hers and the girls are all accomplices to that fact. There's VERY little justification, in the story and in the audience's mind, as to why Miss Mary and the girls are justified in keeping the baby. This is a big problem. It can be overcome, though, and needs to be since your whole story hinges on it.

Give us, the audience, a very good reason why Mary should keep this baby to herself. I'm sure you can think of something. Also, perhaps give her a man earlier in the story and have him be the catalyst for Mary wanting to turn herself in ("I can't live a lie", etc.) The trial itself seems to come and go very quickly, which would be okay except for the fact that the whole "caring for the baby" sequence comes and goes too quickly. That's where you can have each of the girls deal with a certain problem they have, perhaps involving the baby (or not) in its solution.

And Mary doesn't get to keep the baby? Say it isn't so? In a film like this I think the conventional happy ending is called for. Maybe the couple that claims they are the baby's parents are fame-seeking frauds?

A pleasant, charming, and family-friendly little tale overall. As before it just needs some more overall content, plus some tweaks to make the story work.

Keep at it, and good luck-
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Last edited by WriteNow; 03-17-2010 at 09:05 PM.
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